


Scarlet Love Song

by Last_Tear



Category: Jrock, X JAPAN
Genre: Depression, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Hurt, M/M, Memories, Multi, Past Relationship(s), Psychological Trauma, Self-Hatred, Tears, Trauma, Yearning, Yoshiki is a broken man, so many feelings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-17
Updated: 2019-04-02
Packaged: 2019-10-11 17:27:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17451233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Last_Tear/pseuds/Last_Tear
Summary: Yoshiki took a deep breath, her words had hurt him, but what hurt the most was the undeniable truth. He was still mourning, after so many years but he was too afraid to let go, to loose the last part of hide so instead he tried to hold on to it with all might. „Honey…It’s four in the morning, it’s cold outside and you barely slept - where do you want to go?“ She had almost made it back to the stairs but turned at his words once more, eying him skeptical before she just shook her head. „I’ll find something but I have to get out of here. If you really love me, give me some space.“ And with that she nearly run upstairs, leaving Yoshiki behind who felt like he just got hit over the head. So even his wife was leaving him now because she couldn’t put up with his demons any longer - but how was he supposed to fight them alone?





	1. Tears

Yoshiki sat alone in the dark living room, on the small glass table in front of him a open bottle of red wine and a half filled glass at which he starred without really seeing it while in the background „Forever Love“ was playing on endless repeat. He was so tired but couldn’t sleep - usually he would have played piano for some hours but he didn’t want to wake up his wife - he knew she came home just some hours ago and deserved some rest. At least someone had to be able to sleep even it wasn’t him. Slowly he raised a hand, letting his fingers wander over the glass for some seconds before he picked it up and took a sip, cursing the next moment when the lights flashed up and he faced his wife, suddenly feeling like a little boy again getting caught redhanded while trying to get some cookies after bedtime. For some moments they just looked at each other, before she sighed and turned to leave again, Yoshiki still trying to fight the feeling that he had done something wrong - he hadn’t. Had he? „Aya…Wait.“ For a second he feared that she would just ignore him but then she turned around, glaring at him. „What for? I’m done, Yoshiki. I thought that you moved on, that you finally managed to put yourself together again but I was all wrong. After all this years you still cry after him and I can’t…I won’t…“ She swallowed, clearly fighting tears now and he hurried to get up but when he tried to reach out to embrace her she took a step backwards and shook her head. „No. Don’t touch me. I believed you when you said you loved me first, but now? It all makes sense. You’ll never love me as much as you love him. I tried so many years to make you happy - to show you how beautiful life can be - but you just can’t let go, can you? Hide is dead, Yoshiki, all your mourning won’t bring him back and I understand that he was the most important person in your life, but I’m out of it. I can’t compete with the dead - and I can’t stand seeing you one more year breaking down because you still think you have to endure everything alone. I’ll get my things and leave, you can call me when you’re sober again.“ Yoshiki took a deep breath, her words had hurt him, but what hurt the most was the undeniable truth. He was still mourning, after so many years but he was too afraid to let go, to loose the last part of hide so instead he tried to hold on to it with all might. „Honey…It’s four in the morning, it’s cold outside and you barely slept - where do you want to go?“ She had almost made it back to the stairs but turned at his words once more, eying him skeptical before she just shook her head. „I’ll find something but I have to get out of here. If you really love me, give me some space.“ And with that she nearly run upstairs, leaving Yoshiki behind who felt like he just got hit over the head. So even his wife was leaving him now because she couldn’t put up with his demons any longer - but how was he supposed to fight them alone?  
  
  
  
Silently he watched her leave - a wave of guilt and regret holding him back from calling out to her again. She turned back just once - after the taxi driver had put her luggage in the trunk of the car - and for some moments they looked at each other before a sad smile appeared on her lips and she got in the car. Yoshiki watched them driving off but he barely felt able to stand anymore and after closing the door his knees gave in and he broke down crying. He couldn’t tell how long he lay on the cold floor just crying his eyes out but eventually his body gave in and the tears stopped, leaving him starring into the space for another eternity. At least it felt like it and when he finally found the strength to move again, he felt dizzy and completely worn out but somehow he managed to get back into the living room where he picked up his phone, calling the only person he knew that wouldn’t kill him for waking him up. „Can you come over, please?“ Was all he could say before his voice broke, leaving him completely speechless before the other could even confirm that he would come and that he would hurry. Even after the connection went dead, it took Yoshiki some more minutes to put the phone finally down again, avoiding to look at the lock screen and placing it with the display down at the table. Maybe he should stop the music but without it there would only silence remain and he was pretty sure that he couldn’t take it right now - no matter how much the song hurt him, silence would hurt him more and with a deep sigh he slumped down on the couch completely - all he could do now was wait and hope for the night to end. Obviously he passed out again or fell asleep - he couldn’t really tell the difference anymore - because the next time he opened his eyes he saw Toshis back who just turned his music off and he sighed loudly, making the other one jump a little, but he was too tired to even smile about it. „Dear god…You have to stop doing this, Yoshiki, seriously…You can’t scare an old man like this…“ Even Toshi smiled while turning to him, the smile disappeared as soon as their eyes met und Yoshiki had to look away because he couldn’t take all the worry and fear he could see in the other ones eyes. It was just too much and when Toshi carefully sit down next to him, pulling him into a tight embrace he buried his face into his chest, trying to hold back all the emotions that finally threatened to break out. At least Toshi didn’t ask, just started stroking his back, tearing a strangled noise from Yoshiki before he just gave in, eventually crying himself to sleep again in Toshis arms - this time he didn’t wake up after some minutes again, exhaustion finally taking it’s last toll on him, sending him into deep slumber for several hours.  
  
  
When he woke up again he felt incredibly weak and tired but couldn’t just fall back asleep and when he finally dared to have a look at his wife’s bedside everything came back and with a shudder he curled up and forced his eyes shut again. Probably he should just get used to sleep alone again - she wouldn’t come back anyways, right? Everyone who left didn’t come back, he finally should be used to it - no one could stand being around him for more than a couple of years before something bad would happen. His father, hide, Taiji. And now of course his wife, too. Why did he even expect his life to get better? No one could stand him for ever - or at least it felt like it. Ten years, twenty years, thirty years, forty years…It didn’t get any better and all the happy times weren’t enough to make up for the tragedies he had encountered over all this years. Why couldn’t it all just stop? Why couldn’t he end it, just letting go of everything…He knew he shouldn’t feel this way anymore - he had been suicidal before after hides death but this was nothing to compare. His wife didn’t die - she just left him. The realization didn’t make it any better though and he found himself screaming because it already felt like too much and he was sure if he kept the pain inside for much longer he would burst and shatter in thousand pieces. He didn’t hear the door open or footsteps approach him so he froze completely when he was pulled into a tight embrace before he recognized who it was who he held him so he just turned his head and bit down, not even caring about the strangled noise that left Toshis lips - he would apologize later but right now, he couldn’t. „Oh, Yoshiki. Sht. Let it out, it’s gonna be ok, I’m here.“ He felt like a complete earthquake right now, shaking so hard that he was pretty sure it was another break down - and not a light one. It was a wonder that he was still able to breathe properly - usually his asthma wasn’t bothering him anymore but right now it hurt so much that he was sure he wouldn’t make it and he was struggling to concentrate on Toshis words who tried to encourage him to keep breathing, changing his position so he was in no danger to choke himself. Why couldn’t it just be all a dream? Why did it have to be real? When he was finally able to breathe again with being on the verge of a collapse he felt exhausted like never before. „So, what happened?“ Yoshiki shrugged, he was too tired to try to hide it and besides Toshi had seen him in worse conditions - he had been closer to death many times before. „Aya left. Said she can’t take it…“ Yoshiki bit his lower lip before he slowly looked up, clearly struggling with words. „hide…Telling me he takes too much space in my life…But she never came to know him…And tonight…the pain never disappears completely you know? It’s just…there…usually I’m too numb to feel it but…“ Not tonight. Tonight it was worst - like every year. „I still wonder if I had been there for him that night…If he…I just…I can’t get it out of my head, Toshi. I can’t.“ And therapy did nothing for the feelings deep inside - they just didn’t want to leave him and probably would stay forever.  
  
  
Yoshiki nearly twitched back when he was pulled in a soft embrace again before he relaxed - he just wasn’t used to hugs anymore - they had done that way more often - so many years ago. But then everything changed, Toshi got married and left, they didn’t speak to each other anymore…It just wasn’t how it should have been anymore. „Yoshiki…You can’t bring him back to life…“ „I know…“ Yoshiki cuddled together in Toshis arms and the vocal felt his heart break a little more, it hurt to see his best friend like this and it hurt even more that he had no idea what to do to make it better. „But I can’t forget, Toshi. I can’t let him go, if I do, he might be forgotten…Not his band member personality but his true personality. The human behind the mask, behind the band…You moved on ... all of you. Hiroshi is selling the hell out of him like a butcher would with meat and that’s disgusting…It’s like he doesn’t care about his brother at all and just wants to make money. Probably Aya is right and I have just lost my mind completely…“ Yoshiki laughed sadly, slowly closing his eyes and forcing himself to take deep breaths - it was his fault that people were leaving but maybe it was better like this. Maybe he deserved to be alone - forever. „No…That’s not true. You’re not crazy, Yoshiki, you just lost something people can’t understand. I know you were happy with hide and I’ve never seen you this happy ever again since his death - I have no idea how it feels to loose your soulmate like this - especially at times when I wasn’t there for you - but I am now. And maybe we grew up too fast then…No one of us was really ready for fame, were we? Taiji was the first one to get lost and I followed him, because it became all just too much for me. I couldn’t take where we were heading with the band, we overestimated ourselves. Even if you think that you are invincible and nothing can bring you down - you are not. And sometimes the bad days win, the whispers in your ears become to loud to ignore it. Taiji heard them, I heard them but you took me back and I know if there had been a possibility that you would haven taken Taiji back, too.“ Now it was Toshi who was struggling with tears - long forgotten memories tried to come back to the surface once more and he didn’t feel strong enough to hold them back anymore. „Of course…“ Yoshiki sniffled before looking up again and then pulling Toshi into one of their closest hugs they ever shared. „Of course I would have taken Taiji back! I loved that stupid asshole and he was like a brother to me. If only he hadn’t…“ Both of them were crying now - clinging into each other for support - it was rare that they let their feelings get the better of them but obviously it was also time to get everything off their chest. „I know.“ Taiji had been a huge impact in both of their lives - not only for the band, but for their private life, too.  
  
  
The best bassist they ever had - and it had broken everyones hearts to let him go. But the decision had been easy then - Yoshiki hadn’t been willing to sacrifice the band, so Taiji had to go. No one could have known what happened after. Not even hide. Taking a deep breath Yoshiki finally let go of Toshi again, now he really felt dizzy. „Maybe we can go and visit him…“ He didn’t feel ready to face anyone but Taiji probably wouldn’t mind - he had seen him in some situations, worse than now. And besides ghosts were not known to be picky about appearance. „Not today. Yoshiki, you should eat something, call Aya-chan and figure out how to make this work again. You won’t throw away your marriage for hide - he would kick your ass and you know that.“ With a sigh the drummer merely shrugged, before he nodded and then tried to get up - slowly so his legs wouldn’t give up under him again. „I just…“ Toshi shook his head while he also got up and together they made their way to the kitchen while the vocalist did his best to support his best friend who was still shaking like a leaf in the storm. „No. You need to talk to her properly and tell her everything. She deserves to know. Hide was the biggest part in your life besides your music and it’s not fair if you keep all of it to yourself. You were one hell of a couple but you can’t turn back time. And I bet it makes him sad to see you like this - pushing everyone away, still grieving.“ While he was talking Toshi already rummaged around and Yoshiki just watched bis best friend, after he had sat down at the counter, burying his face in his hands. „I know what you told me. About loosing him. Write it down - all of it. Make a book out of it if you must. Memories with hide-chan or something like that. But stop letting it eat you alive. Aya-chan will understand…“ And with that, Toshi started to make breakfast, humming silently to himself while Yoshiki was listening to the calming sound of the coffee machine and the melody his best friend was humming. It was just so much…So much to bear at once. But maybe…Maybe Toshi was right? He heaved a deep sigh - if it wasn’t so complicated…He just felt so…lonely. But perhaps he should started seeing a psychiatrist again. Eventually. „No matter what you do, you will be ok.“ Toshis voice so near his ear made him twitch and he frowned slightly. Had Toshi kept talking before and he didn’t notice? „You will be ok, Yoshiki. We will get trough this together.“ And he could only nod, pulling Toshi closer that he could embrace him. „Thank you…“ Toshi grinned while he hugged him back tight. „I’ve learned some tricks from Taiji during the years so I’m pretty sure I can manage to help you get back on track - you just need to let me, ok?“ Yoshiki nodded - now feeling pretty lightheaded and dizzy again - not a pleasant feeling and nothing he had missed. „You and Taiji were closer than I knew, huh?“ Carefully taking a step back, Toshi studied him for a long moment, before he shrugged. „He was my boyfriend.“


	2. Vanishing Vision

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He didn’t like this feelings but what was he supposed to do? Toshi wouldn’t let him drink anymore so there was only one solution left. A cold shower until he couldn’t feel his body anymore and then some training to keep his mind busy. It sounded like a perfect plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry that it took so long for chapter two and that it might be kind of confusing >.< Besides I'm sorry for any mistakes I made, I have no beta for this.
> 
>  
> 
> Update: I decided to edit the chapter and add a better fitting ending
> 
>  
> 
> Text in bold is dreams while italic texts are flashbacks.

**Why was it always the ocean? Yoshiki took a deep breath while he looked around - everything seemed so peaceful at night. As if nothing bad could happen then but he knew better. In the dark the ugly truth didn’t need to hide anymore it just took of the mask it wore during daytime. Just like him. He also wore a mask to hide and protect himself. Slowly he started walking towards the water, fully aware that he was dreaming and with a smile he crouched down to pick up a shell off the shore. It was small with some cracks in it and the pink colour felt kind of odd because he shouldn’t be able to see so clearly when all the light he had were the stars above but it made him smile and carefully he let his thumb caress over the broken surface, whispering something that the wind took with him. „hide…“**

 

 

Startled Yoshiki opened his eyes, trying to understand what the dream wanted him to remember but he soon gave up because his head was killing him. After Toshi had made him something to eat they talked and he grimaced, remembering far too much from their conversation right now. He knew they had gone for a walk on the beach - maybe that had triggered his dream - and somehow he obviously had made it back into his bed. They had enjoyed the beautiful sunrise together so now he wasn’t really sure he wanted to know the time - especially not with a bad headache and no idea of his schedule. Usually he didn’t dare to make appointments this close to hides death because he knew himself far too well but maybe he had made a mistake? ‚Of course you did. Mister Perfect.‘ Came a mocking voice in his mind and he just rolled his eyes, yawning and turned on the other side to at least try and sleep some of the pain off. „Shut up, Taiji.“ He only realized what he said after the other ones name had past his lips and he sat straight up, looking around carefully. Did he imagine things now or had that been a memory? Probably latter but just to make sure he wasn’t going crazy…finally…“TOSHI!“ The yelling hadn’t been good for his head and wincing Yoshiki collapsed on the bed, holding his head. Who knew that excessive drinking and crying could have such a bad effect on him? Or was it just the lack of sleep that was finally catching up? He looked up when something touched his shoulder and found himself face to face with a smiling singer who handed him a glass with some slowly dissolving aspirin. For a short moment Yoshiki just stared at the other one before he carefully took a sip and sighed. „Thank you…“ Even after he had downed the whole glass he found it pretty difficult to come up with something that wouldn’t let him sound like a lunatic so with a sigh Yoshiki just shook his head and curled up again. Maybe all he needed was another round of sleep to finally clear his mind and help him to come back to reality completely and he was utterly thankful that Toshi only whispered „Rest well.“ Before he was left alone again and it didn’t take long until he was drifting back to sleep.  
  


 

„ _Hey, Princess!“ Yoshiki scowled at the man who was approaching him, slowly crossing his arms over his chest - he definitely was not in the mood for anything stupid tonight - not when they had to be on stage in less than two hours and were short staffed . „What the hell do you want now, Taiji?“ The bassist shrugged and almost immediately he felt to urge to punch him - the other one had annyoed him since they had arrived at the live house - several hours ago. Obviously Taiji liked to see him snap. Or so he thought at least. „Relax or that might cause wrinkles - just wanted to know where Toshi is because I’m out of change for cigarettes.“ Yoshiki just stared before he rolled his eyes and shook his head. „I remember how you told me that you want to quit somewhen last month.“ Taiji frowned for some seconds, before he shrugged, grinning from ear to ear. „Old habits die hard, princess. Especially around you. But you should know…“ The next moment Yoshiki found himself pinned against the wall, starring at Taiji like he had grown a second head. „The fuck’s wrong with…“ The sentence was cut short when the other ones breath tickled his neck and Yoshiki froze up completely. „Yo-chan~ please. Help me out.“ It was pretty rare for Taiji to actually beg for something rather then asking or demanding - or simply just taking so it took Yoshiki several moments to comprehend what was going on. It didn’t help that Taiji still held him pinned to the wall - way too close for his personal comfort and so he finally just nodded - even it probably was only to get rid of the bassist. „Thanks princess.“ A kiss on his cheek and he was release again, starring pretty puzzled at Taiji who was smiling at him like nothing happened while Yoshiki himself started to feel dizzy. What the hell was going on? He nearly tripped over some cables on the ground while they made their way to the back of the venue for a quick smoke and while he offered Taiji one of his own cigarettes he still tried to understand the other ones behavior. „Ah don’t fret, pretty boy, maybe I just wanted to rile up your lover a little for a good show tonight.“ Yoshiki blinked a few times before he finally lit his own cigarette and took a deep breath. „Yeah, for sure.“ Taiji grinned at him before he became serious again, leaning against the small wall near the ash tray. „You have no idea what you mean to him, do you? You’re his world, Yoshiki. He’d kill before he’d lose you. Doesn’t matter that I’m his best friend - he would stab me in an instand when I ever laid hands on you.“ Yoshiki frowned, starring at his burning cigarette and finally took one drag before he let it die and heaved a deep sigh. „We’re not lovers, Taiji. We’re just…having fun…“ Taiji shook his head before he rolled his eyes and put a hand on Yoshikis shoulder. „Wake up princess, before it’s too late. Hide loves you - he’s just afraid to talk to you because you’re pretty great at keeping people at distance.“ And with that Yoshiki was left alone, while his heartbeat started to thud in his ears. He wasn’t ready to let anyone this close again - was he?_

 

  
  
Yoshiki awoke with tears on his cheeks - he didn’t even know what he had dreamt anymore but his father had been there. And hide. And it just hurt too much. Somehow he made his way into his bathroom and just leaned against the hardwood door, trying to get a feeling for reality again. He felt so damn lost. Like he was drowning in a flood of emotions and the only person to save him was gone. That was another reason why he didn’t like sleeping - his emotions became sharper and stronger. And it was just to easier to deal with his every day life when they were turned off, hidden deep in his soul where nobody could see them. Yoshiki took a deep breath before he decided for a shower to finally wake up completely even his body felt like it didn’t belong to him anymore. He didn’t like this feelings but what was he supposed to do? Toshi wouldn’t let him drink anymore so there was only one solution left. A cold shower until he couldn’t feel his body anymore and then some training to keep his mind busy. It sounded like a perfect plan. He just didn’t think about the possibility of Toshi entering his bathroom before he even had turned on the water. „You really think I’m that stupid to leave you alone for longer than ten minutes now?“ Yoshiki just shrugged - he didn’t really care to be honest. And he didn’t have any energy left to argue with Toshi so he just remained silent. Fighting over something so pointless wouldn’t help him especially because Toshi cared. That was another problem that he couldn’t ignore even he wasn’t used that someone worried about him that much. Not anymore since his marriage. But everything had been fine the last years…Well, not everything. But mostly everything. With a deep sigh Yoshiki slowly undressed, before he stepped into his shower. At least he could try to numb himself again. Sadly it didn’t take long for Toshi to catch on but it was enough that his lips had turned blue and he felt slightly better. „We need to get you out of here.“ Yoshiki shook his head while his best friend wrapped him into a towel until he was sure he couldn’t move even if he tried. Was that Toshis idea of preventing him to hurt himself again? „That’s not for you to decide anymore, Yoshiki, I’m sorry. You get dressed now and I’ll pack your things. It’s time for you to go back to Japan and talk to hide.“ For some moments there was only silence between them, before Yoshiki closed his eyes and slowly counted to ten. When he looked up again, Toshi was still there, but the look on his face had changed. All worry was gone now, replaced with determination and Yoshiki knew he couldn’t win. That was something beyond his control and maybe it was what he needed? Maybe he would feel better after visiting hides grave. Maybe it was all a mistake but it didn’t really matter anymore. The only thing that did matter right now was the pain flaring through his whole body and how to get rid of it.

 

Two hours later they already were in his private jet, taking off to Japan and with a sad smile Yoshiki leaned his head on Toshis shoulder. It felt like an eternity since they had been so close and it slowly dawned on him that this was entirely his fault. After hides death there was nothing left that he could concentrate on and the feeling of betrayal had let him believe that everyone was better off without him. That Toshi didn’t need him in his life, even Toshi had been miserable, too. But back then he had had no idea and now it was different. „I’m sorry. I’m dragging you through all this mess…But I’ve never bin there for you.“ Toshi gave him a sad smile in response before he carefully draped an arm around Yoshikis shoulders, pulling him close. „Hey. It’s ok. We both made mistakes in our past and we both had and have demons to fight. But the important thing is, that we’re not alone. You blocked me off but I did the same to you. To all of you. I didn’t even think I would ever talk to you again…Life is strange, Yoshiki. But it’s also, what we made out of it and to be honest, I’m way more scarred than you might think…I just try to not let it define me. I’m more than just my scars, my broken pieces. After all…I’m just human, Yo-chan. And so are you. Humans aren’t perfect. They’re awful and egoistic and assholes. But they are also very easy to break.“ Yoshiki felt his heart clench at those words and he bit his lips hard enough to taste blood but remained silent because every word, every sentence that came to his mind didn’t make sense or felt good enough as a response. „You can’t let the pain define you anymore, Yo-chan. It might have shaped you but you are so much stronger than this. hide knew that, Taiji knew that. Even Aya knows that. You just have to stop running away from everything and fight.“ Toshi patted his head and Yoshiki suddenly felt like he was a child again that was scolded from his father. It was weird and he really didn’t like it. „If you keep talking like this, I’m gonna tell the pilot that we have to make a emergency landing on a deserted island in the ocean and I’ll leave you there.“ Toshi just grinned and patted his head again. „Nah, you would miss me way too much to do this to me. Besides you would have to get up to talk to him and you don’t want to get up while we’re heading directly into a storm, would you?“ Yoshiki frowned but after following Toshis gaze outside the window a shudder ran down his spine. There was a formation of dark clouds directly ahead and as they slowly approached, Yoshiki could only hope that the weather wouldn’t force them to fly back to Los Angeles.


End file.
